I have a long history of a lot of love in my life – from loving parents to lifelong friends, I’ve always felt blessed.
However, my love life hasn’t been as lucky as the love in my life. I’ve been married twice, the first time for 11 years, giving me the greatest loves of my life, my 2 kids. The second time, I kicked him out after 2 1/2 months and filed for divorce (and a restraining order). Can we say Jekyll and Hyde?
Hindsight often gives you great clarity. To date, I have had two really deep, true loves in my life. One was my first love, and one I was married to briefly. That’s not to say I haven’t loved other men, just not in the same way. I can count several other men I dated whom I really loved, but they weren’t meant to be.
I have also had some amazing male friends in my life, throughout my life, at different times, a couple of whom I may have dated briefly and/or talked about possibly dating but timing never worked. I mean really nice, great guys, the kind we all hope to end up with, the kind who would do anything for you at anytime, who would not hesitate to be there for you. In fact, the kind who would track you down throughout your life to make sure to always stay in touch and be in your life, from other countries across the world.
So last week, I was chatting with one of these great, amazing guys from my past. And he tells me he’s always thought of me as the one who got away, whom he always thought he’d end up with. That admission blew me away and made me feel so special.
Then this week, one of my closest male friends, whom I’ve known for a very long time and is someone I trust more than almost anyone in the world, said something to me that left me completely speechless. For hours. And that doesn’t happen. Anyone who knows me knows I always have a comeback or something to say. In fact, after 24 hours, I’m still at a loss for words to respond to that specific declaration.
Now, that special guy friend also inspired a blog post back in September of last year, entitled Perceptions: A Love Story (https://marjoriewrites.com/2012/09/07/perceptions-a-love-story/). Basically, 25 years later he told me he had challenged his best buddy, and my boyfriend, to a duel for the honor of taking me to my prom. Very, very sweet, although I wouldn’t have thought so 25 years ago.
So these two true confessions, from absolutely great, nice, special guys, made me think. At this point in my life, I know that I like really smart men – I’ve come into my own confidence with my own intelligence. And I’ve realized (several years ago) that almost nothing is sexier than a really smart man. Anyhow, both of these guys are really smart. Like two of the smartest men I know. And they’re both really into me. Wow! What a compliment.
But I digress, what all of this made me think about was the choices I’ve made in my life concerning men. Like I said, I’ve dated some really special, nice, stand-up guys, and I hold all of them close in my heart, even if I don’t talk to them anymore at this point, or often. We all know that timing is everything, and with some of them, if the timing had been different, our outcomes would have been different. But aside from those where it didn’t progress because of timing and circumstances, evidently if I have men like these two who think I’m so wonderful, how did I end up marrying those other two?
The first one is easy to understand, after so much self-analysis while working out, years ago. The second one I finally figured out too. Both had to do with either self-confidence or vulnerability.
So last night, when this truly special man essentially declared his love to me, and I asked him why he’d never told me before (even this summer, when I was hinting along those lines) he said it was due to my vulnerability at different times of my life. Yes, he was that respectful and thoughtful.
What’s my hesitation now? Well, as he well knows, I’ve had a tumultuous few years, and my life still isn’t completely stable. That doesn’t mean that I am mentally or emotionally unstable, but rather that I’ve had a lot of instability in my life. I’m afraid of pursuing something and ending up hurting him at a later point. He’s too important a friend to me.
Where does that leave us? Well, at the end of the conversation last night, or this morning, he said that since he knew how I felt, and that I was not opposed to seeing what happened, he plans to pursue me. And that when he’s pursuing, he doesn’t give up. Now this might be a bit challenging since we’re living in different states and raising our own children, but this is the guy who twice sent me flowers while I was in high school, even when we weren’t dating at the time. I have a feeling he can hold his own here.
And how do I feel about this? I like the idea of being pursued. It’s romantic, almost old-fashioned. So I say bring it! Show me what you got! 😉
Live, love laugh….it makes it all worthwhile!
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