Marjorie Writes…

Everyday Musings of an Extraordinary Woman

Archive for the category “memories”

Memories of Mom

Scrolling on Facebook way too early this morning, I saw a post by a dear friend of my late aunt’s, who is also my friend now. It was about a book she had read, with a summary of the book and an explanation of what it meant to her, how it moved her, and what message it left her with.

Now, I am a voracious reader – I love books and reading. I can get lost in a book for hours and lose track of my present circumstances. I have always been able to lose myself in books, which is one of the things I love about them. I’m a naturally curious person who loves learning about everything, and books allow me a view into different places, minds, and situations. Plus there’s that whole escape aspect.

Anyhow, in reading her post, it made me think of her friend, my aunt. She was always reading, and once I was an adult we would often talk about books and my much too infrequent visits to her house (I lived in another state) would often entail a trip into her closet to borrow a handful of books she’d recommended. Now, I have a lot of friends who love to read, and I see regular postings on Facebook with book reviews, recommendations, or commentary on books. Why this particular post brought with it so many memories, I have no clue, but I am glad.

The memories took me to memories of my mother, who passed away when I was 18. She also loved reading. In fact, I clearly remember going to the library with her. We went often, but my best memory was when I was old enough to get my own library card and I got to pick out even more books than usual and lug them home to get lost in. We also had a huge wall of books in the living room in the built in shelves that ran floor to ceiling against one long wall.

My godmother also shared this love of reading, and as an adult for a number of years I was fortunate enough to live in the same state as her. In fact, she had a summer home in the town I lived in, and again, my visits often resulted in me going home with armfuls of books.

As often do, the memories trailed along to other things my mom loved to do. When her nose wasn’t buried in a book, her hands were often full of whatever she was knitting, crocheting, embroidering, or whatever needlepoint canvas she was working on. She always had multiple projects going. I tried many of those needle crafts over the years, and they never stuck, but at least the skills stayed with me. I now love to knit, and I find that I feel her with me while I’m doing so. The friends I had when I was learning to knit, in my knitting group, would often tease me about being able to read while I was knitting (as long as it was a simple pattern, that didn’t require my full attention). And my stitches have always been very even, which I credit my mother with.

So I decided, as it turned out that I had an unexpectedly quiet, unscheduled day ahead, I will pay homage to the memory of my wonderful mother, reading and knitting. The only thing that would make it more like her would be if I found an Astros game on tv and watched that while knitting. Although, truth be told, she just loved baseball, so she would often watch whatever game she could find on tv, and back then, it was usually the hometeam (Astros), the Cubs or the Braves, as with cable back then you got the Chicago and Atlanta stations.

These beautiful memories also made me realize just how much of my mom I have in me. And that is an amazing gift.

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Pursue Me

I have a long history of a lot of love in my life – from loving parents to lifelong friends, I’ve always felt blessed.

However, my love life hasn’t been as lucky as the love in my life. I’ve been married twice, the first time for 11 years, giving me the greatest loves of my life, my 2 kids. The second time, I kicked him out after 2 1/2 months and filed for divorce (and a restraining order). Can we say Jekyll and Hyde?

Hindsight often gives you great clarity. To date, I have had two really deep, true loves in my life. One was my first love, and one I was married to briefly. That’s not to say I haven’t loved other men, just not in the same way. I can count several other men I dated whom I really loved, but they weren’t meant to be.

I have also had some amazing male friends in my life, throughout my life, at different times, a couple of whom I may have dated briefly and/or talked about possibly dating but timing never worked. I mean really nice, great guys, the kind we all hope to end up with, the kind who would do anything for you at anytime, who would not hesitate to be there for you. In fact, the kind who would track you down throughout your life to make sure to always stay in touch and be in your life, from other countries across the world.

So last week, I was chatting with one of these great, amazing guys from my past. And he tells me he’s always thought of me as the one who got away, whom he always thought he’d end up with. That admission blew me away and made me feel so special.

Then this week, one of my closest male friends, whom I’ve known for a very long time and is someone I trust more than almost anyone in the world, said something to me that left me completely speechless. For hours. And that doesn’t happen. Anyone who knows me knows I always have a comeback or something to say. In fact, after 24 hours, I’m still at a loss for words to respond to that specific declaration.

Now, that special guy friend also inspired a blog post back in September of last year, entitled Perceptions: A Love Story (https://marjoriewrites.com/2012/09/07/perceptions-a-love-story/). Basically, 25 years later he told me he had challenged his best buddy, and my boyfriend, to a duel for the honor of taking me to my prom. Very, very sweet, although I wouldn’t have thought so 25 years ago.

So these two true confessions, from absolutely great, nice, special guys, made me think. At this point in my life, I know that I like really smart men – I’ve come into my own confidence with my own intelligence. And I’ve realized (several years ago) that almost nothing is sexier than a really smart man. Anyhow, both of these guys are really smart. Like two of the smartest men I know. And they’re both really into me. Wow! What a compliment.

But I digress, what all of this made me think about was the choices I’ve made in my life concerning men. Like I said, I’ve dated some really special, nice, stand-up guys, and I hold all of them close in my heart, even if I don’t talk to them anymore at this point, or often. We all know that timing is everything, and with some of them, if the timing had been different, our outcomes would have been different. But aside from those where it didn’t progress because of timing and circumstances, evidently if I have men like these two who think I’m so wonderful, how did I end up marrying those other two?

The first one is easy to understand, after so much self-analysis while working out, years ago. The second one I finally figured out too. Both had to do with either self-confidence or vulnerability.

So last night, when this truly special man essentially declared his love to me, and I asked him why he’d never told me before (even this summer, when I was hinting along those lines) he said it was due to my vulnerability at different times of my life. Yes, he was that respectful and thoughtful.

What’s my hesitation now? Well, as he well knows, I’ve had a tumultuous few years, and my life still isn’t completely stable. That doesn’t mean that I am mentally or emotionally unstable,  but rather that I’ve had a lot of instability in my life. I’m afraid of pursuing something and ending up hurting him at a later point. He’s too important a friend to me.

Where does that leave us? Well, at the end of the conversation last night, or this morning, he said that since he knew how I felt, and that I was not opposed to seeing what happened, he plans to pursue me. And that when he’s pursuing, he doesn’t give up. Now this might be a bit challenging since we’re living in different states and raising our own children, but this is the guy who twice sent me flowers while I was in high school, even when we weren’t dating at the time. I have a feeling he can hold his own here.

And how do I feel about this? I like the idea of being pursued. It’s romantic, almost old-fashioned. So I say bring it! Show me what you got! 😉

Live, love laugh….it makes it all worthwhile!

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