Marjorie Writes…

Everyday Musings of an Extraordinary Woman

PTSD Stinks

Funny how things happen. I had gone to the store earlier this evening, and one of the things I bought was a package of cupcakes. So later tonight I decided to open them and have one. However, they were no longer in my purse. Since I knew my son wouldn’t have gone into my purse, I figured the dogs got them. Sure enough, I found the open, empty wrapper on the dining room floor. I picked it up and held it toward the dogs and the mama dog took off running faster than I’d ever seen her run. After a good laugh, I decided to run back to the store to replace them.

As I was turning the corner to come home, I saw a man on a bicycle riding down my street, in the direction I was heading. He looked back and saw my car, and pulled into a driveway two doors down. After a brief hesitation and another look over his shoulder, he continued to ride between the two houses there (there aren’t many fences in my area) and disappeared. Now, it was a little after 10 at this point. So I pulled into my driveway and called the police. I explained to the person that the man was on bike and rode between the houses, pulling off the street when my car approached. I gave the limited description I had gotten, and went into my house.

Some time later (not sure how long, but it was a non-emergency call), I had a knock at my door – the police. I stepped outside (fighting to keep the baby dog (around 2 yrs old) inside. In the light rain, he asked what I had seen, etc. I explained it was probably nothing but this is a quiet street on the end of my island, and it’s not usual to have adults riding their bikes between houses in the dark. He said he’d look but that I had my dog here (I don’t think he got a good look at her – she’s no more than 20 or 25 lbs – not a big dog by any means).

Now, I had a pit in my stomach for the rest of the night. I have PTSD, courtesy of my ex-husband.  I have a restraining order against him and haven’t seen him in a year and a half, since our divorce was finalized (he was incarcerated at the time, from a DUI charge). I haven’t had any contact with him since I’d gotten the restraining order almost a year before then. And even though it was a very brief marriage (2 1/2 months before I showed him the door), I knew he was the type to hold a grudge forever.

Now, my daughter is out at her friend’s house and I let my son camp out in the living room tonight, sleeping on the floor. Around 1 in the morning, the little dog started barking. And jumped up on the back of the recliner closest to the front door, where she likes to perch when she hears someone here – that way she can try to beat me out the door to greet them. So I went and looked out the window, accidentally turning on the light there on my way. Nothing. So I turned off the light and sat down at my laptop again. And again the little dog ran to the chair and started barking. That went on for about 5 minutes, with intermittent barks. Now, she’s sleeping soundly next to me on the couch, my son is passed out with the other dog on the floor, and I’m writing this, hoping by expressing myself I will get rid of the feelings and be able to go to sleep.

All of this over something that was probably nothing. I haven’t had any feelings of paranoia lately, as I got when I thought he was around, no nightmares waking me up, petrified. Yet the PTSD lingers, popping up it’s ugly head now and again, like tonight.

For a time after we split up, I would sleep on my couch with a baseball bat – afraid that if he broke into my house I might not hear him from my room and be able to protect my children and myself. And I didn’t sleep well back then. Thankfully, that is all in the past.

Yet, here I sit, almost 2am and afraid to go to sleep. But little dog will let me know, right, if she hears something? I think I’ll be sleeping on my couch again tonight, especially since my son is out here. I’ll have the phone nearby, but will not go in search of the baseball bat.

Live, laugh, love… makes it all worthwhile!


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