Well, not completely scattered, but my mind is in a few places. I haven’t written in way too long, as I’ve been swamped with the business of trying to provide for my family, raise my children, deal with home repairs/insurance companies etc following Sandy, etc.
So as I sit here tonight, desperately wanting a cigarette (I quit a 2 pack a day habit cold turkey 5, or 6 days ago now), I’m torn between focusing on my job search and Mother’s Day in 2 days.
Twenty-four years ago, I spent mother’s day at the hospital, visiting my mother. I hadn’t seen her since spring break, when I’d been home from college last. My dad had warned me the day before that she looked bad, wasn’t doing well, but I guess I didn’t want to believe it. Until I saw her. And found a bathroom somewhere away from her room where I could cry and cry until I could keep it together enough to spend time visiting her. She died a week later, give or take.
So once again, I’m faced with another Mother’s Day without her. Yet somehow, as I’ve aged and my own kids have aged, Mother’s Day has become less about my own mother, even less about me, and more just another day. Is that really sad or just normal? I’m a single mom, my kids are 9 and 11. I know my daughter made me something in girl scouts (don’t yet know what it is) and I’ll get it on Sunday. And they’ll both wish me happy mothers day. And probably let me sleep in (they also do that so they can use the computer/watch tv/etc without being told to do something more productive, etc). And other than that, I have no plans. I lost my mom 24 years ago, my stepmom 13 years ago, and my dad 4 years ago. As I was reminded tonight, I have very little family left, and none around where I live, so it’s pretty much me and the kids. Which is fine – it’s our reality. And I adore my kids. So if I choose not to do anything special for mothers day, that’s my choice, right? As long as it’s not interfering with whatever my kids don’t have planned, right? 🙂
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about my mom and miss her – I decided years ago I wasn’t going to spend any particular days mourning her as she wouldn’t want that. So if anything, maybe we’ll do something to celebrate her life, as we do on her birthday. Or maybe I’ll just sit and knit and read – my mother was an avid knitter and reader – and know that I’m spending the day with my kids doing just what she would have wanted to do on a good mothers day.